Everytime – Living The Lie
by in my ocean
Summary: When you have lost the very thing in the world that makes you live, and it sinks back into the hazy mists of time, impossible for you to reach, how could you possibly go on? Lyrics by Britney Spears


_A/N: Uhmm... Hi? Yeah, that's a good thing to begin with: Hi! Like many others before, I have written a Songfic to Britney Spears' "Everytime" (Ugh! A one-shot yet again! But hey, I am lazy, I'll admit it openly, and one shots really are not nearly as much work as chaptered stories!). I am not exactly her (Brit's) greatest fan, I have to admit, but I am really taken with this song. So I decided that it couldn't hurt if I did a try..._

_This story is – like most of my stories – about Inuyasha and Kagome, just in case you don't recognize them in the story (they are never really called by their names). It is placed after the Shikon no Tama, when Kags is in her own time again. Just the normal, often-described heartache-stuff, I guess... With this information given, it is really not that difficult to see that it is written out of Kagome's POV. Well, just read it. And go easy on me – I had a hard time writing this. It's difficult stuff, or at least I think it is._

_Summary: When you have lost the very thing in the world that makes you live, and it sinks back into the hazy mists of time, impossible for you to reach, how could you possibly go on?_

_Disclaimer: Neither do I own "Inuyasha", nor the song "Everytime". They rightfully belong to their respective owners, I just borrow them for the time being before I give them back in tears._

**Everytime – Living The Lie**

Where am I? I can't find myself anymore. Is this a dream, or is it reality? I am stumbling around, everything is gray. Dreary, lifeless, colorless gray. Am I alive? Or am I gone, finally? My voice fades into nothingness, my pleas for help remain unheard. Nothing touches me, nothing reaches me, I am all alone. My heart clenches and I fall to my knees in pain. Sadness. It strangles me, squeezes the breath out of me, poisons me. Where does it come from, this lonely, agonizing sadness? Why am I so sad? I can't remember... A question haunts me, that's all I can hear, and all I can think of. _Where are you...?_ Who? Who? I can't find an answer... And I cringe in pain when suddenly the memories come back to me, and I scream. My heart bleeds, heavy crimson tears, and the black liquid pours onto the ground. No one cares. I can hear my voice whispering into the empty, lifeless space, even as my body already turns cold. No one hears me. I am alone, so alone. And I writhe and wince and I moan in pain when I want to wake from this nightmare. But this is no dream... And I cry then and whisper my silent pleas. _Where are you...? Where are you...?_

_Come notice me_

_And take my hand_

How has it come to this? I use to lie awake at night in my bed, and I wonder. What has happened? What has happened to us that we are now the way we are? Separated. Unconnected. Unhappy. You are not with me, and I do not come to meet you. And I feel pathetic when tears gather in my eyes these late nightly hours; because my loneliness is just so consuming, I feel dull and empty inside. Because I so long for just seeing your beloved face, for just feeling your touch, may it only be a random brush of your skin against mine. And as I feel hot tears tickling down my cheeks and leading their burning paths into my hair, I use to ask myself: Why am I all alone here, instead of being by your side? Why?

_So why are we strangers when_

_Our love is strong_

_Why carry on without me?_

Questions haunt me. Questions I have no answers to. Haven't we used to be companions, friends? Our friendship was strong, we trusted, we cared, we fought, we reconciled, and of course we loved. Deep, burning, consuming love. Innocent at first, yes, but it grew stronger every day. I couldn't imagine my life without you then, or a time when you wouldn't be with me; I still can't. My tears flow freely, as I realize again that indeed you aren't by my side now. This very realization strikes me hard every time, and I cringe in pain. Shouldn't I know it by now? Shouldn't I have realized by now that you're not here, here with me? Shouldn't I know by now that the love we used to share is far away, too far away for us to reach? I know that it is there, that it is still there. So why can't we reach it? I feel like it is just inches away from my outstretched fingers, my fingertips almost brushing it. Just try harder, get nearer, reach out wider! Only a tiny bit! I collapse in agonizing tears as I realize that it is futile. It is gone, its shadow throwing a gloom over my heart as it reminds me of what we once had. How can I go on? How could we probably carry on?

_And everytime I try to fly_

_I fall without my wings_

_I feel so small_

_I guess I need you baby_

Oh I try. I try so desperately to move on. Live another day without you by my side. Day by day, month by month, year by year, century by century. But how could I ever succeed in this when all I can think about is only you, when my heart yearns for you so desperately, its cries echoing in every fiber of my very being? Nothing can fill me, nothing can reach me, I only feel dull aching and the blinding pain inside. My mind is numb, my body is unfeeling, my eyes are without sight. I curl up in my bed at night, cringing and wincing and crying. I seek protection, but what could protect me from myself and my broken, bleeding heart? I try to heal, I try to let go, but I cannot escape. Never, not one single moment in my miserable life. In the darkness I whisper your name, hoping for you to safe me. You never respond. And I cry, and I weep, and I curse you for just leaving me like this, for making me feel so small. How could you have let this happen to me?

_And everytime I see you in my dreams_

_I see your face, it's haunting me_

_I guess I need you baby_

I once hoped that sleep would carry me away. Where to, I don't know. I don't care. Just away from here, where everything reminds me of you. I don't want to remember, I don't want to think of you, I just want to forget. If I can't remember, I won't get hurt. So why do you keep following me even in my dreams? Can't you give me peace? Peace. I have almost forgotten what peace is. It's not meant for me, I guess, for I can't put my mind to peace when you keep invading it forever. I sleep, sweet soothing sleep, but in my dreams I run. I run as fast as I can from my past. My past with you. But there's no escape. Your image is clearly before my eyes, etched into my mind forever. I see your face, so beautiful, so loving, so insidious. Your eyes bore into me, capture me, chain me, clench my mind, squeeze the life out of me. I cry in my sleep and wake up with tears staining my face. How could anyone feel so alone? I need you, I need you so much. Can't you feel it too? Strangling loneliness, aching memories, untold longing with no name? I need you...

_I make believe_

_That you are here_

_It's the only way_

_I see clear_

Sometimes I think you are still with me. I can feel your arms go around me, and I lean into you, taking comfort in your warm embrace. And I smile, as my heart grows wide. My nostrils are filled with your scent, so sweet, so comforting, like forests after the rain, like the sweet smell of fresh, cool earth, like the summer sun on my skin. Like you. Carefree laughter erupts me when the glowing sun of your presence warms my entire body and fills my mind. And as I turn around to see your face, you are still there, holding me and smiling back at me like you used to do back then. I can't hold back my tears of joy as I stare into your beloved, handsome face, as I melt by just looking into your glowing pools of pure amber, my fingers caressing your cheek and gliding over your beautiful silvery hair. And I know that I am happy, because you are near me and that's all I ever need. Just you, only you, forever you.

_What have I done?_

_You seem to move on easy_

But then, everything grows dark and cold again, so cold that I think I must freeze to death. I break down when your presence leaves me again, and I realize that you weren't real. That you weren't here with me, but far, far away, beyond my own time, living your life without me. I wonder if you are happy now. You have all you ever wanted, have achieved everything you ever strived for. And my heart bleeds, for you and for me alike. Because I so desperately need to know you happy, and because this makes me so sad. Couldn't you find your happiness with me? Can't we find it together? I thought we could, back then, in these days when I thought the world belonged to us and we could reach the stars and make the impossible come true, just by being together. Isn't it that what they say? That love knows no boundaries? And then I know that we have failed; because our love used to be so strong and it was bounded nonetheless. I guess it was doomed to fail from the very beginning, from the very first time I laid my eyes on you. And I curse then, and I cry, and I scream my lungs out at the atmosphere, because everything is just so unfair. What have I ever done to deserve such a cruel fate? Why can't I be allowed to be happy? Just for once? Why? And then I wonder again if you are happy. If you loved me, shouldn't you be as miserable as I am now? Are you able to forget the past, forget me? Are you able to move on?

_And everytime I try to fly_

_I fall without my wings_

_I feel so small_

_I guess I need you baby_

And then I try again to move on myself. I feel so numb inside, and I realize that I am dying. And the worst is: I don't mind. Why should I go on without you? You were my sun, and without you, I must crumble in dead darkness, all alone and slowly dying. Part of me is mad at you for just go on living like nothing had happened, part of me is sad for what has happened to us, and part of me despises myself because I would be so weak and pathetic if I just gave up like this. And so I stumble to my feet again, and try to take my first steps back to life, even if the way is so hard to go. Even if I just want to lie back down and die. Sweet darkness encloses me, and I gladly want to fall into its abyss. It will numb the pain, it will make me forget my broken heart. But then voices screech inside of me, urging me to stand up again, and I seek for your outstretched hand to help me up. Can't you come and draw me back to the surface? I don't know how to do it without you.

_And everytime I see you in my dreams_

_I see your face, it's haunting me_

_I guess I need you baby_

But that's no surprise to me. I know I need you. I even needed you when we were together. It was you who made me breathe and live. Now I cough and try desperately to get air into my lungs. Where are you now, now that I need you more than ever? And fresh tears choke me when I realize that you won't come to help me, and I mourn for what we used to have, when you always were there for me. I feel like I am drowning in deep water, and up there at the surface I see your face. Is that your hand that tries to draw me out? And I struggle to rise again, I stumble to my feet, I fall, and I feel like I haven't any strength left to stand up again. But I try, and it hurts. Have I always been this weak? I push myself up, just trying to make it alone. I fall again, but I keep on trying. My knees and hands are bleeding, but I can't feel the pain. The numbness inside kills everything, and I just want to give up. It's futile, and I have failed again. And tears burn in my eyes as I admit that I can't take it anymore. Let me die, let me go, just let me go, to a place where nothing could ever hurt me. I don't mind anymore, without you, nothing minds anymore.

_I may have made it rain_

_Please forgive me_

_My weakness caused you pain_

_And this song is my sorry_

I am glad that I can't see you right now. I couldn't have stood the disappointed look in your eyes as you observe my miserable existence. You wouldn't have liked to see me like this, and would have disapproved the pathetic tears that tickle down my cheeks. You never could stand seeing me cry. And I am sorry now for the tears I cried when we were together, because I was weak then, and I drew you to it, too. And perhaps I myself was your greatest weakness, because you got distracted so often during a fight when you wanted to protect me, or because I caused you so much pain every time I got hurt or injured. And tears threaten to overflow my red and puffy eyes again as I realize that maybe I myself am the reason for our failure. You always loathed weakness, and I was what made you weak. What could you have done other than push me away? And I am sorry now, for all the pain I caused you, for all the sorrow I created, for all the weakness my presence awoke. And I am sorry for all we had to go through, all the heartache, all the hurt, all the hours of darkness. But I won't regret it, I won't regret any moment I have spent with you, any emotion I felt with you, any tear I shed for you, even if that is exactly what you call weakness. And that is what I am most sorry for – that I don't regret anything. Not a single moment, not a single emotion, not a single tear, nothing. And I hope you can hear me through the night, through darkness, through our sorrow, through the centuries that separate us, through the haze of time; I hope you can hear my whispered request for forgiveness. I hope you can. And perhaps, you can forgive me, eventually.

_At night I pray that soon your face_

_Will fade away_

But I won't forget, your face still clearly before my eyes. It is blurred with a veil of tears as I stare at the ceiling over my bed, and it keeps me awake, won't give me rest, won't give me peace, and I hold on to it. It's everything I have left of you, that and the wonderful, painful memories of brighter, happier days. I value them, greedily, possessively, my most precious treasure. I hover over them, refusing to let them go, refusing to let them unobserved one single moment out of fear that they might vanish while I am not with them. And in my memories the time stands still, and I like it that way. Why should I move on? It only brings pain. But there they are again, those mocking, urging voices echoing in my head – or are it the concerned voices of my family? – begging me to go on and move out of my comforting, protecting haze. And I struggle, and I fight, and I try desperately to hold on to my gray veil of illusion, but it is futile, it is blown away, and I am left in the bright, blinding light of reality. I stumble blindly in the hurting brightness as emotions flood over me, emotions I thought long gone; sadness, despair, aching of the heart, washing over me, crushing me under their weight. And as I cry again, I know that I have to go on. And I pray then, to whom, I don't know, for I have lost my belief so long ago, ever since you have been taken from me. But I pray, desperately, urgently, for someone to help me. I pray to forget, although I know I never could. And as I take my first unsteady steps back to life, I hope that one day, I will be able to live again, that I will be able to bring this my wandering corpse back to life. And then I will pretend that my heart isn't shattered into millions of pieces, never going to heal again; and I will pretend that I don't cry every night because my loneliness consumes me and I feel hollow inside, because I miss you so much; and I will pretend to be able to go on, to feel again, to be able to forget you. And perhaps your face will fade away someday, and I will be able to breathe again. I just have to pretend, even if it hurts, even if it kills me inside. I will say that I can go on without you, live without you, and I will be trying to live this my lie.

_And everytime I try to fly_

And I will soar again, spreading my wings to a freshly sprung up breeze, and I will ascend into the bright endless sky, flying and sailing, and leave my sorrows behind.

_I fall without my wings_

And I will possibly fall again, but I won't give up, and I will gather my strength and try again, and there will be nothing that will be able to hold me back, and I will laugh my joy into the sky.

_I feel so small_

And there will be occasions when I will feel small again and haunted by memories of you, but I will wipe them away, leaving the darkness of the past behind and turning to face the bright future.

_I guess I need you baby_

And I will know that I will miss you sometimes, because I always do, and always will, but I will know that I will live, and life will flow intoxicatingly through my veins, and I will smile then because I will be strong enough to hold on.

_And everytime I see you in my dreams_

And I will dream of you again and I will see your face sometimes, but it will be clouded, and it will slowly fade away into my unconsciousness. And sometimes I will remember these days with you, distant, vague memories of a different life, long, long ago and far away, happy memories, full of laughter and sun and love, and I will sigh longingly then when I feel their warm, faint shadows caressing me one last time.

_I see your face, it's haunting me_

And I will say that I don't see your face anymore, and I will say that I don't cry in my sleep anymore because your face haunts me, and I will say that I don't miss you so desperately. I just have to pretend, and perhaps, sometime, I will eventually find my peace.

_I guess I need you baby_

Just let me live the lie.

_**END**_

_A/N: I just read this story through again, and I must say, it really leaves me depressed. But the song is just so sad, and so is this story. I'd say Kagome is on the brink to insanity here, but she... she just... _LOVED_ him so much! Aah dammit, _::sniffles slightly::_ now I almost have to cry! No shit, guys, this story really takes it out of me._

::heaves a heavy sigh::_ Sorry 'bout that. I know, self-praise stinks... Sorry..._

_Hmm, I feel like doing a sequel out of Inuyasha's POV. What do you think? Should I write one? But I am not sure yet what song to use (I want to make it a songfic, too, as it will be the sequel). Do you know one that might fit into the situation? Perhaps something melancholic or sad... You've really got me there! And YES, this is a scream for help! _;p

_Well, just review! I'd really like to hear your opinion! And, like I said up there _::puts up flashing, blinking arrows pointing to the top::_, go easy on me. And please please please do not flame me because of the weakness-part! I don't like it. Ahh well, I'll admit it: I downright HATE it! I really would like to erase it and kick it up to the moon (and laugh while doing it!), but I didn't know what else to write, and so I let it be. Doesn't mean I like it, though. Uhmm, well now, just R&R!_

_Ja ne! _


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